The+Essay

The short story of Eva
Hi Eva,

This is Mr. Whitehead, I have edited your paper (only partially) and given you a mark that you can find below. Thank you for your story! = New Life = That’s all! Marie lies on the litter, Tom is crying run with the litter, “Sorry, I’m so sorry.” Jay looks very guiltily. Marie breathes with the air tank. Blood is flowing from her cur on her head. Jay wanted to enter the theater, but nurse stops his way out of the door. //Good start! But what do you mean by "litter?" Do you mean "gurney?" (the beds that are used at a hospital)// Marie never //felt// quiet like this. She can’t hear the noisy from the hospital. Even the crying from Jay, her boyfriend. She just remembers they walk on the street and then glare white light. She wants to find Jay, where he is? Marie looks there are many people crowd by her. She stands up, but as if nobody see this. She looks back to her bed. Is that me? Marie feels confused. I’m standing here, why another me still lie on the bed? Suddenly, all of people crying in the room. //Start a new paragraph here!// Oh, I’m died. //(Oh, I have died/Oh, I'm dead.) By making this a single sentence paragraph, you would increase its impact.// Doctor tries to save the //dead// “Marie” on the bed. Marie sees her mother is here, she wants to stop her crying, so she hugs her mother, but her hands penetrate through mother’s body. That’s amazing! She thinks. She tries again. She talks to her mother, actually, her mother feels nothing about her. She walks towards to her stepfather and //bites// his face. No more reaction! That’s great! Marie runs out of the hospital as soon as possible and //is laughing in// the street. She runs straightly, penetrates to building, strangers’ bodies, cars. Yeah! Marie is a lucent //(awkward word choice!)// person already. Finally, she stops in the front of Jay’s home. //Could// he see me? //For dialogue, start a new paragraph.// “Why are…are you here?” Jay can not believe what he sees, //Same here:// “No, you’re not Marie, she is…is died! Who are you? Why…?” “Stop! Jay, listen to me, actually I’m already died, I’m the soul of my body. I know that’s confused. Only you can see me in the world. Are you afraid of me?” Jay hugs her and cried on the street. The life sounds very cool! Marie can cohabit with Jay in his big bed and never be afraid of his family found her. She can go anywhere free. See Jay’s brother kiss his girlfriend in his bedroom. Jay’s sister goes to club at midnight by stealth. Sometimes she likes to go home to see her lovely mother. Mother is older. She missed Marie very much. Every time she saw her mother, she would feel sadness. Marie likes to go to school with Jay, she wants to have more time to talk to him. But it’s so difficult talk with him at school because when Jay talks to her, it looks like Jay is talking to himself. Jay also feel no intimity, all of his life are shown on Marie, he loves her, but that’s uncomfortable. And he can not stay with her all day. Marie realizes this, so she almost stay alone at the daytime. That makes her feel lonely. Nobody can hear her voice as her audiences. Nobody can see her as friends. It’s so lonely. She wants to stay with Jay forever, but the lonely is the biggest enemy in her life. Marie doesn’t know what to do with it. One day night, Marie has a dream, a girl said to her, she has a chance to have a new life. That means she must give up the life she has now and of course she has to give up Jay, to be a baby again. She feels excited about this, but she loves Jay, she wants to be with him. Marie talks to Jay seriously, “Should I need to hold this chance?” Jay’s emotion is complex. Marie scared of lonely from this time, but she loves Jay very much. How should she decide? She almost has the idea about this. She goes to make a tattoo, a letter "A"on her right hand as the same one as Jay. Jay feels upset about she will go, he thinks Marie will leave now. Marie looks the tattoo on her right hand and kisses Jay. “I’ll be back, honey. Wait for me.” One year later. Jay has a new neighbor names James. The man has a one year old daughter and she has a little in her right hand, looks like a letter "A". The new story will begin soon.

Eva - you wrote about some interesting ideas in your short story. That said, there are a few transitions between paragraphs that were highly unclear. You also need to review how to properly write dialogue. The rules for this you can easily find by searching the internet.

I won't post your mark here, just ask me in class for it! Thanks,

Mr W